What did we do last night that was yellow?
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
