I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
