If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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