hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
