i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
