So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
