What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
