There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
