I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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