You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
