the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
