A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
