yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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