Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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