Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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