My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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