So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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