i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
