I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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