This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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