I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Randomize
