My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
