My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Well I just put wine in my tea
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
