well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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