There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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