the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize