This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
