Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
