I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize