I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Four minutes until I can fart!
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
