I wish my penis had an off switch
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
