recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
