I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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