So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
