I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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