Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
