I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
