did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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