What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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