I think im going to throw up on grandma
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I love having hate sex.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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