Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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