Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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