wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
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