Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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