can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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