I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
