I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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