So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
