girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
