I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
