I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
