I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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