I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Randomize
