The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
