these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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