Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
