I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
