I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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