I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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