When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
