bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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