I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
