Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
