Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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