they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
