how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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