We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
