I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
