im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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