i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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