my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I think your dad took our porno
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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