The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
accomplished twins. life is a go
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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