chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize